over 4 good.
me and b are no more! I took the final verbal battering and now have headed for the hills.
He has left me msgs apologising but he can't take back the things he said this time. I haven't seen him for a week or answered my phone to him which is the longest I have ever resisted- another indication as to how serious I am- and to be quite honest he deserves it...im still not sure whether it's what i want but i have decided i will never actually be sure therefore it was time to break away.
The way he verbally laid into me and my family because he'd had a few drinks was a disgrace and the real excuse i'd needed all along to get the hell out. He got drunk after work and called me a lot of nasty things. That I can take, that I am kind of used to...but no way can i go back to someone who commented on my family past or present! So, that's it....we are no more!! Thank you all for your patience with me (and some of you for your harsh words- it all helped!)

Well, it's been ages since I last wrote, i know.
I'm still with B (i don't know if anyone is even interested anymore- i don't think i would be if i were you!!)
anyway, im still with b but i have found a new love.
well ok, that is a bit bunny boilerish!!
I've only met this guy twice recently but I've known him all my life and he's the loveliest person you will ever meet. Well, 1 of them anyway!

As I said, I spent a couple of days with him in the last couple of weeks and we had real fun. I took him and his dog out in my car and we had such a laugh. I wont say what his dog is or how old it is but it was sooooooo funny (an experience I'll never forget!) and we were in hysterics the whole time.
Worried that it may only be the dog that we had in common, we left him at home the next day and went out alone. We had a real catch up, a good chat and then we went back to his which was cool too (No funny business!) but I think i really like him. So far what I have done has all been innocent. A jaunt in the park with an old friend is nothing right?? But he's so cute and he text me last night saying sweet dreams and i really felt a warmth inside. Is that silly? Sounds like young love doesn't it? The only thing is, although he is not a friend of B's, he knows everyone who knows B and I and he is also on the side of the other half of our area (if that makes any sense at all!!) as something has been going on and feuds have been growing (nothing violent- just tension) and obviously i can't say too much but i am neutral. Mind u if i had to choose it would probably have to be their side as i have certain lifetime loyalties rather than my loyalties to b and his friend but b would not be happy to hear me say that.
So, the point I'm trying to make is if i do pick up with this guy then it could cause him and me some trouble.
I've told B that I just want to see each other and he seems to think im joking. but i said it. i want enough of my life back to rebuild old friendships, not solely to cheat. If my friendships DO tend to lead on to something else then so be it. It would just mean what I have been questioning for ages....me and B are not meant to be.

I did forget to mention in my last entry that B agreed to meet me on Sunday and that I went to his and we had something to eat together and we made a trifle together and we had a smoke together and it was ok.....until he fell asleep and I was sitting there on my own.

Then we started arguing.

I called him names because he wouldn't wake up.
He was sleeping like a zombie, with his eyes half open and he was saying something about a car on his head (honestly- I couldn't make it up!!!)
I poured water on him to wake him, that didn't work, so all i could think of was to shake him awake. I knew it would irritate him of course but I did NOT want to sit there on my own.
However, it just made him so angry.
He got up and was muttering obsceneties under his breath for what seemed like ages. "F**king hell. Pr*ck. Walk yourself home." That sort of thing.
Anyway, once he got past the 'just waking up' phase he chilled out and apologised and we were awake for a little longer before falling asleep together.......

"Shit!!!"
I jumped up and saw the time out of the corner of my eye. It was 6:30am and that was B's alarm clock radio!!!
"Shit!!!"

I always mean to tell my parents when I'm not coming home but I've got in to such a terrible routine of not telling them that I'm sure no-one would notice if I disappeared off the face of the Earth!!! (Well, perhaps after a week they'd notice that there had been no loud music for a while but that'd be all they'd notice!!)

Anyway....again it came down to waking B up and again it was a bad experience.
He lashed out at me and swore a lot as I'd try and shake him awake and told me that he wasn't walking me home and to go on my own.
I was gutted, especially after staying the night but I know he wasn't fully aware of what he was saying or doing.
I'm not making excuses for him- he was asleep but he went MENTAL. He was like a rabid dog, he flew at me in such a rage I thought he was going to really hurt me.

I went home alone.
I had to.
We'd have gone around in circles otherwise.
After he calmed down, he did offer to walk me home but "in an hour or 2"
It wasn't good enough. I wanted to go home that minute. Y should I have to wait to go home because he couldn't be asked to get up?? Y should I put off my family and my sleep and my home because he wouldn't wake up for 2 seconds??

So I left. And walked home.
Thinking he'd calmed down I smiled when I saw that my phone was ringing and it was him. Maybe he was truly sorry??

I picked up.....only to be met with an abrupt "Where's my key?"
"I haven't got your door key" I said "I left because I have to go home and do some revision and your key must be there somewhere."
"Where's my key?" he repeats, "I need to go out"

I knew he was p*ssed with me but now he just seemed to be making flippant accusations for the sake of it now.

"Look," I said to him, "I haven't got your bloody key and the only reason I left yours now alone instead of waiting was because I thought the quicker I get home the quicker I can come back out and meet you!"

"F*ck u," he said, "f*ck off and do me a favour- don't come back later."

I was gutted all over again.
I'd spent all weekend feeling like he had ripped my heart out by dumping me only for him to take me back but again, whether it was knowingly or not, treating me like an idiot.

Anyway, to cut a long story short....again he apologised and said he did want me to come round and because I wanted to and I didn't want to argue I said I would see him soon.

And I did- a few hours later

Well, how long has it been ppl?

I'm still with B although at the weekend we had a huge bust up and he said it was over and that he couldn't carry on like this (arguing etc.) I didn't see him for 2 days which is a long time by our record so I guess I truly believed that it was over- especially after all the heart felt "I'll always love you" and "I want you in my life forever" chats we'd had recently. It did feel like the end of an era.

So....was I ready for it? Was I relieved as I should have been when he called it a day?
Oh no. Not me. I went to the nearest supermarket, bought myself some vodka, some bacardi and chocolates, went and bought some puff and went home. And cried. And rang him. and rang him again. and cried some more.

I got sick of sitting at home after a couple of hours (It's not like me on a Friday night, I'm usually out with so I went and met a mutual friend who really I don't usually like but I knew that B didn't like him much either so there was no danger of bumping into him.
We chilled out together, had a smoke and a chat and I went home at 4.30 am . This was where I felt awful. Lonely. No B to walk me home or to call and chat to about my evening.
The night (or morning) was dark and empty. just like my mood.

Saturday, I tried to resign myself to the fact that we had finished, I did. I met up with D, had a drink in a nice little pub, something that we've never done together alone before. It was nice. but it wasn't B's company. It wasn't B.

I went home after that and ended up drinking alcohol and falling asleep, waking up the next morning not remembering what I'd done and wondering why on earth I felt so rough..? 'Ahhhh yes that would be it' I thought, catching sight of the empty vodka bottle by my bed.

It was Sunday now and I was still gutted. I missed B. But WHY????? I must love him soooooo much. It's the only reason I can imagine myself staying with him. P U R E love because it's not the way he treats me or the money he earns. It's not for his looks or his intelligence. I think I love him more than I know

I don't know if I should write this as I'm writing it.
I know that someone in my 'circle of friends' has access to this blog so this could be a dangerous admission.

Here goes

I did it.
I slept with L after so long of resisting and ignoring him and feeling like a powerful woman.
I gave all that strength in to 1 marathon night and now it's all gone.
No longer am in power. I let my guard down and he has regained the upper hand.
Like I said; it's dangerous.

I don't want to get in to the ins and outs (excuse the pun) of why but I went to his alone last Friday night... and did everything I could to please him.
Honestly, I went all out for that guy that night. I was pleasantly drunk (not throwing up or too dizzy or embarrassing) and I let him boss me about a bit.
He acted reluctant but I know he was playing hard to get. He wanted me to ravish him...and I did...MAN i did!
We did a lot and stayed up until about 3am just..you know...getting busy.
I have to say, apart from his occasional little noises, he didn't give too much away but I know he was loving it.

I massaged his back all night until he went to sleep

Anyway, I woke up at 6.30am with a start.
He was lying next to me.

"Holy Sh*t!! I gotta go"

I couldn't believe I was still there.
I had to meet B soon.
I got home at 7am and went out again at 10am .
I'm mental.

I do feel bad and guilty and I love B to bits but I've decided that me having a bit of freedom, a bit of space, might be the only way to save our relationship in the long run if there is any way at all.
I don't want to end up resenting him for stopping me doing what I want but I don't want to cheat on him either. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it and 1 day it is all going to go horribly wrong but whatever happens, I can't afford to regret anything.

In other news it turns out that the guy I used to work with that I thought FANCIED ME (yes used to work with, it was my last day last Friday...sob!) DID fancy me.
It seems now I have left he has found it easier to tell me how he feels via text message. I have a soft spot for him, I do. He is just so unlike anyone I have ever taken an interest in before. He is smart for a start...lol and he is rich and posh and witty and he wears a suit!! This mayh not seem like a big deal but I have been dating a builder for 4 years...the faint scent of cement, paint and dust can make 1 a little nauseous at times..haha.

Seriously though, he's sweet. He said that he'd love to meet up 1 day but I always seemed really busy when he hinted at work (yeah and we all know why don't we?!)
He also said that he had told the girls at work that he liked me and they had been teasing him about it...BIG mistake as I will be back there 1 day and I hope it does not make it too awkward for us.

Hope everyone is ok?
Sorry it's been so long since I updated- have been mega busy with my dangerous liasons.....

....to be continued.......

Well Hi All
I know it's been a while but I am still here

I am still in a rut but am enjoying the rut right now.
I figured I'd be worse off if I didn't have all these options and if guys didn't show such an interest in me so I am now thinking sod it and am having fun!
i am still with b but we are having more fun than anything else (including lots of sex which i find is helping take my mind off sex with anyone else!!)

L came round to B's the other day p*ssed off his face and coked up to the max. He even fell over he was so mashed.
It was a sad sight (he was with his cousin who is younger than him and even he seemed to despair of L's behaviour!)
He was funny though,- repeating his stories a zillion times and stumbling around. When he left he grabbed me and said "good bye gorgeous" and kissed me on the side of the neck. He would never hae done that had he been sober. B would have been so angry had L been sober. But he wasn't and I got a kiss. So there.
I do wonder what possessed him to get in that state....

Last night I watched the Chelsea game- how exciting was that?! I was biting my nails (well, I was smoking a joint and drinking a beer!) I thought Chelsea would smash the Liverpudlians but obviously what do I know about football?! (as my family would say so very nicely about me!)

I am doing a handover at work at the moment.
I have been temping here for the last few months however, now they have a new permanent receptionist lined up I am no longer needed *sob*

It's a NIGHTMARE!!
Do you know how much I hate having to work with someone else constantly there, asking questions about everything, Watching what you do and talking too much nervously???!
It's taking the friggin piss.
Thank God I am not in tomorrow! A day away from the lot of them!
I'm not a people person anyway so being a receptionist is a constant challenge but when you have to bloody work with some person you don't even know breathing down your neck it is sooooooooooooooooooooo much worse!

I've temped with the company for so long on and off that I have done many handovers (many, many!) and I still loathe them. I'm only a temp! Why can't they get a permanent member of staff to show her the ropes?! It's not fair- I am definitely not getting paid enough!
I have shown an interest in 2 other temping agencies who have since called me and asked me to get back to them with my details. I may see what the outcome of that is.

AND, guess what she said ?! She said "Oh my God, he's hot isn't he, I didn't know there was totty here. I'm going to text my friend to tell her how fit he is"
She was talking about T. THE fittest guy i have ever seen and a guy I have tried to work out how to pull. He is shy and younger (19) but so cute!
I am supposed to be staying at his with another guy at the end of this month as a whole bunch of us are going out together and he has his own place local to where we are going. Maybe I will know once and for all where I stand with him after that.....but in the meantime....HOW DARE SHE? Can't she find her own totty?!

Sheesh!

Hi everyone!

I am feeling a little more upbeat today than when I gave my last entry.
I've finally thought "to hell with it for now you moose!" so I am just going with the flow.
I am still with B and ever since the weekend, things between us have been near enough perfect!
I feel closer than ever to him and tomorrow (our 4th anniversary) we are going to Chessington together which should be so funny because in our whole time together I have never been to a theme park with him. So, although I'm still in doubt about us and where we are headed I have decided I have to stop stressing myself. What's done is done and what happens will happen!

Anyway, I was at his last night and we fell asleep. When we woke up it was 1.30am which wouldn't have been to bad but "f*ck!" I had forgotten my door keys.
I text my dad to ask if he'd let me in (I knew this was a big risk as he always has work at the crack of dawn!) and he said No, come back at 6am!!!
Bear in mind I had work this morning too so I had to leave B's, get to mine for 6am, wash, get dressed and leave to go straight to work!
I am knackered.

Then, when I did get home, my dad kinda went ape shit and with me being 21 I kinda wanted to say "bollocks to you!!" but I just said sorry and that I had been at a friends house (Remember my rents don't like B since they think he's beaten me)

So he starts raving about how my mum was on an early at work this morning and had to get up at 3am and I woke her up with my text. (I refrained from mentioning that I had been up ALL night basically and I work 8 and a half hours while my mum works about 5- I felt to say all this but a) It would have been immature and childish as it was my choice to be out and b) I just couldn't be bothered)

Then he tells me that really I should move out because I'm never there- I'm just straight in and then out. "You don't even give us anything!" he said (Again i had to bite my tongue as I gave him £50 only last week- I know it's not a lot but surely it shows the thought is there and that I would give more should I be able to afford it!!)

I'm a student and a temp worker so at the end of next week when they no longer need me at work, I will be jobless again. Is is really fair to expect me to pay rent or move out when the only real income I have is my student loan- and even that was based on my parents income as I chose to stay living at home. If I'd known they would try and kick me out this far down the line then I would have moved out and got more loan money! My parents have always said that as long as I'm in full time education they would support me but here they are not really wanting to support me at all!!!
I mean, I know I should hang around at home more often, be an actual member of the family you know? but realisically, whenever I'm there they treat me like a 12 year old and I am 21 now so I find it awful and tedious and we end up arguing so I just prefer to go out. Besides, I'm sure 21 year old students are expected to be out all the time aren't they??

So, I don't know what's going on now!

Tonight I am staying at B's and we are having friends around to his and then early tomorrow morning, hopefully we'll be off to Chessington!!
I'm getting in for a pond, did I mention that?! Woo-hoo!!!

I love the boy right?
I've been thinking about it all night and all day and all week and all month and this is the conclusion I have come to.

I love B.
I love B with all my heart.
The arguing seems to have stopped, the violence has subsided and I love him like I used to.
I spoke to M yesterday and he said that he will not tell B about me and Dan. I know this shouldn't be a good thing as the fact I did it is still there but it's definitely good news. For me, B and his friendships.

Anyway, here's my theory.
This is what I have been thinking non-stop.

I want to have a child with B, I really do.
Not yet, but I want a baby with him.
Our baby.
He'd be a brilliant dad and it's something that we have discussed often. He's funny and cool and I would be so full of pride watching him with our child.
I want to marry him.
I want us to have our special day and our extra special night.
I want us to say I do and kiss each other passionately.

But my family hate him and will never change their minds.
His family hate me and will never change their minds.
His best friends now have an issue with me so who will be best man?
He's not on the same intellectual level as me so we never have conversations about literature or arts or the media.
In short (and not intending to sound arrogant) I could do better

So these are the positives and negatives.
I have been killing myself over these facts all night.
I was at B's until 3am. We fell asleep together (see how comfortable we are?) When he walked me home I couldn't sleep for hours torturing myself with all this.
I just want to cry all the time.

I have been thinking that 23 is still young right?
So should I stay with him until then, see how it goes?? Because I do love him and at 23 if I decide to move on then it's not too late.
And I finish uni at 23 so it could be like a turning point in my life so should I leave all this worrying until then?? If I don't come to a decision soon my whole life will change.
I will be in a straight jacket, in a padded cell banging my head against the wall over and over again.
That or I will kill myself.

I know that sounds harsh but this is eating me up day and night and I'm finding it hard to get through the day without alcohol, cannabis and all these damn thoughts.

i think im going mad
i don't think any one cares about me anymore (ie my family)
For the last few months I have just been going out constantly and haven't spoken to my parents properly for over 3 months!
Now they don't want to know.
I understand because I have completely just ignored them while I dash in from work and then dash out to meet B and then I come home again when they are all in bed.

Buut the thing is I used to argue with them all the time.
I just happen to find that the best way of avoiding this is to go out. Just not be there. If I'm not there no-one can moan at me right?1

On;y now I am thinking that may have been a slightly childish perspective and now it's too late. I am stuck in this rut of going out constantly. I actually can't remember the last time I had just 1 night in. I mean it! I can't remember. And if I did have a night in everyone would probably think I need a doctor.

The whole B thing is driving me crazy, it really is.
I was considering going to counselling or rehab or something.
I just can't face all this shit.
I want an easy way out of this and then I scare myself with what I am thinking as it's not worth anything huge. But then again it really is to me as i keep seeing in to the future and seeing me sitting on an armchair with a meal for 1 in front of the tv, alone. B with his wife and kids living happily next door and me sobbing into my bottle of wine and penning slushy novel, after slushy novel.

I am seriously depressed.
He was my 1st ever love
I can't let him go.
I CAN'T, I WONT

I can't live without him.
If we split properly i actually might die.
I haven't been apart from him properly once in 5 years.
It might kill me

I can't see myself with him forever and I'm not ready to leave now but when is an ok time to leave the relationship?
When will I still be young enough to leave him? What's the latest age I can leave him and still be young enough to go out raving, having a good time and pulling the blokes??

just wanna thank all the ppl who are nice enough to read and offer me comments! you're all great...and really patient...lol